by Dr. Tina Huang, Ph.D., of LifeLong EnerJoy
posted 26 November 2014
While we all know that Fremont has only the best, brightest, most engaging and inviting people, the problem with the impending holidays is that sometimes we have to leave the comfort of our Fremont womb and travel to areas outside of Fremont that might be, shall we say, a bit less friendly…. maybe even toxic!
So how do we get through those difficult holiday parties and family reunions and still keep our friendly personalities intact?
Many people choose avoidance. But sometimes it means we miss out on the people we do want to see! So what else can we do?
Below are 5 things we can do to keep our sanity when we encounter a toxic person:
1. Know that toxic people usually don’t know they are toxic.
Have you noticed that some people don’t seem to be bothered by a person that feels toxic to you? Are they just being nice? Maybe, but it’s more likely that they don’t share your perspective.
Gary Craig, the founder of Emotional Freedom Technique, says he believes “Every person is always doing the best that they can”.
While this can be hard to accept at first, we have to remember that most people who are annoying are unaware of how their behavior is negatively impacting others. They don’t have the benefit of seeing themselves from the other side. Another possibility is because of their cumulative life experiences, their behavior is being hijacked by their amygdala, the emotional centers of their brain. And in fact, your reaction to this person is also based on your cumulative life experiences. Thus if the toxic person subconsciously reminds you of someone else in your life that triggered you, you might be more reactive than for instance, your neighbor, who happens to be a Buddhist monk.
2. Remind yourself to look for the good in people.
As annoying as people can be sometimes, they always have strengths and an inherent inner beauty. Sometimes that just takes a little drawing out. Ask questions that remind them of their strengths or passions, like, “Do you have a personal passion project that you are working on?”, or “What gets you up in the morning?” According to Rick Hanson, the author of “Hardwiring Happiness,” an extra benefit of seeing the good in others is that it helps you be more confident and loving.
3. Empower people to be at their best.
Difficult people are usually acting the way they are because of subconscious fears of not being valued. Vanessa Van Edwards, from The Science of People, says you can make them feel valued by asking them to do you a favor or play an important role. It will force them to be at their best behavior and it will give you a chance to see them shine.
4. Redirect negativity.
Sometime people go into negative cycles of incessant complaining, and quickly you realize they aren’t looking for solutions, but they just want to complain. Why? Because these people are usually seeking the validation that they have never received. They need to know that someone has heard them and that they aren’t crazy. Try validating their feelings by acknowledging their pain, using their words so that they feel heard. If you are getting tired of their complaints, try a technique from Non-violent Communication: “When you ____________, I feel ____________,” and then express your needs. For example you could say, “When you frame things this way, I feel helpless and hopeless. Would you be willing to explore what is possible?” If they continue being negative, try the next step.
5. Remove yourself from the situation.
Sometimes to be with the people we love, we can end up being stuck in the same room as negative people. But if they are driving you crazy, you have the right to politely remove yourself from the conversation. Using the technique from NVC above, you can say something like, “When you frame things this way, it fills me with despair. I need to shift to a more optimistic conversation. Is that something you can do?” Then ask them to tell you about something that excites them. If they don’t seem to be able to get out of the negative mindset, say “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this anymore,” and walk away, or check your phone.
Soothing Our Relationships
Do you find that you are triggered too often by people’s quirks? Are toxic people interfering with your inner peace and tranquility?
By releasing the emotions that are causing your amygdala hijack, you’ll find that you are able to look at these people with a fresh perspective. As a holistic healer for a happy & healthy brain (both humans and cats), I regularly help clients release their negative feelings, so that they can approach the relationship from a much more reasoned and level-headed perspective.
I am offering a couple of upcoming opportunities to help you deal more calmly and confidently with toxic people. On Dec 1st, at my Meetup, Greenlake Goal Setters with EFT, we will be using Emotional Freedom Technique to work on soothing our relationships. On Dec 10th, I will be giving a workshop at East-West Bookshop on How to Release Emotional Pain (click on the links to learn more and register.
For this holiday season, give yourself the gift of more happy and harmonious relationships. Make a plan to find one or two things to keep your sanity when facing your toxic people. By releasing the emotions that are causing your amygdala hijack, and using tips above, you can keep your friendly Fremont personality intact, whether at the Center of the Universe or forced to celebrate elsewhere.
About The Author: Dr. Tina Enerjoy (Tina Huang) has a Ph.D. in Neuroscience and is a holistic healer for a happy and healthy brain at LifeLong EnerJoy. She uses Emotional Freedom Technique, the Emotion Code and the Body Code to help clients release subconscious barriers that get in the way of their personal, professional and wellness goals. She works with clients in Green Lake and via Skype. You can contact her for a free 1 hour consultation at 1-855-ENERJOY.
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Text ©2014 by Tina Huang, Ph.D.
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